Decisions decisions decisions .......

Don't cha just hate it when you have alot of thoughts and they all seem to collide at once , leaving you to sift threw the train wreck and try to find that one that at the time really meant something. Or you get distracted and the thought that seemed like you were on to something really important floats away, sigh .......
So sitting here all alone again , having made some choices flying by the seat of my pants and not too sure about how things will turn out. I am not good at this , but with nothing but time on my hands and a blank page in front of me there are so so many things I wanna , nope need to say express whatever blog speak for get it out in the open.
But the one thing that is really buggin my butt is decisions, we all make them from time to time as grown-ups , its expected and for the most part taken for granted , expect where children are involved. When it comes to kids we hope to empower them with strong decision making processes , threw education , parenting and socialization. But what I have found is that even with these tools as children and grown-ups alike we constantly make poor choices. For instance Tori Stafford , I am sure that it was prolly not a good choice in retrospect for her to leave school with someone she did not see or perceive as a threat , was it poor parenting or something else that allowed that , hmmm not sure about that either , it is easy to second guess or Monday morning quarterback that but lets face it , not making any judgements here just putting this out as an example , Tori's Mom made some choices long before this happened and as a result bad things happened, yes she is trying to get "clean" but lets face it doing prescription drugs "methadone"is just as poisonous as real heroine , leaves you just as messed up physically as well as mentally , but the denial is what lead to this innocent life being ended too quickly.
My biggest fear is and has always been that a choice I make will result in someone I care about being hurt or worse. There are times though that you make choices as a parent or grown-up that you have little or no options and so have to live with the consequences of your actions.
What I have also found as a parent is that you can't force people to make good choices , you can only allow them to do so. Behaviourists will tell you that it can be modified and that good decision processes are a learned response this is true but only if that person wants to make the right choice. Knowing what is right and doing that are two very separate worlds and as much as you would like to think that people you love and care for will always choice to make the right choice this doesn't always happen.
Every day is a challenge and as a parent I would love to wrap my children in bubble wrap , slap on several coats of protective paint , maybe several levels of Teflon like material to their feelings and send them out to greet the world in the morning , this is not practical nor possible but I can do my very best to arm them with empowering thoughts and ideals and pray that they make healthy choices , of course this is not going to happen every day case in point , last week on our way to school we noted that there were a few small children running in the sprinklers of the school play ground , not really a bad thing except that it was 745 am and not quite 10 degrees out yet , both girls noted that this sort of thing wasn't the most appropriate thing to do considering that these children would most likely have to stay wet for the duration of the school day and no matter how warm it got outside it would be a constant chilly inside , I thought to myself , self this is a good thing that they recognise this and was proud of them that they came to this conclusion on their own. Then something happened that I had no control over but should never have happened. Imagine my dismay when I pulled up to the curb and was greeted by two very soggy drowned sewer rats that were dressed oddly enough similarly to the two small children I had dropped off that morning?? Dumb founded I sat behind the drivers wheel of our family sedan and had nothing to say. The older of the two apologized for being wet still and explained that the principle ( a known grown up ) had turned on the sprinklers for the kids to run in during lunch and they ( the drowned rats that used to be my children ) could not resist.
Feeling better about the whole thing with the apology , and the rats appearing to be in closer resemblance to the children I dropped off that morning I left the school area shaking my head , because the older one of the two had already been home two days the previous week with flu like symptoms and was still suffering the effects of having her nose not wanting to be a part of her face any longer, but this happened the nite before their finale concert of the year for the strings orchestra that they both play for, the older ones final finale, a very big deal , so big in fact that she had to invite her grandparents to this event on her own and was very proud of the fact that she had done so. Hmmm not surprising the evening of the concert both are running on empty emotionally and physically over turned by fighting the flu that they have and a combination of early mornings and late nights, so we didn't go to the concert a natural consequence , but it is all about decisions and as much as I had thought that they were empowered and had the necessary skill set to enable them to make the right choices , it seems that there are still influences that are beyond my control , so it seems that my theory has been proven correct given the choice between making the right choice and doing the right thing are worlds away from each other and even when we have the right tools me sometimes make poor choices , this example is not entirely the children's fault as a grown up in a position of authority influenced their decision making process , someone they trust and look up to so not really all their doing ,but it under scores the thought that even with the right tools decisions are not always made in a positive light or with clarity of thought.
As for my most recent career choice , if it works out I will be a hero , if it doesn't I will continue to be the unfavored child and the one who consistently makes poor choices , for better or worse I am sticking with the choice and will wait for a positive response and hope that my children can forgive my mistakes and learn from them rather then sit in judgement and condemn them

Past Present Future

So it seems that according to news sourses globally Canadian researchers have discovered the portion of the mind that contains our memories. And in fact have also a way to erase painful memories ?? How they sort the good from the bad is seriously doubtful as they have had a great amount of success with lab rats.Not being a rodent of person , (only character ) I find it somewhat disturbing that educated induividuals can actually claim with a straight face , yes we have tested this on lab rats and found that we have in fact made them happier??? Ummm did the "scientist" actually ask the rats if they were happier ??? Did the rats get up and dance or do a giggy for the "scientist"after having the "bad"memories removed ? Were the bad memories more then being tested in a lab with drugs and other poisins in order to see a reaction ?? and if so did the fact that these rats just lay there and not do anything be enough for the scientist to consider this a success?
After all our memories , painful or not are what makes us individual , the fact that no two people can share the identical experience is a known fact, so it rubbing out that experience makes us happier then why is there so much concern for trauma victems who experience temporal amniesia ??? Isn''t that considered to be a form of brain damage ?? And how is that a way to treat people with PTSD , isn't that by itsself enough for other not to want to mess with is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is caused by extreme forms of Stress and or Trauma , so lets just make that better we'll just do the humane version of smash you in the head with a big stick and knock out all those nasty memories and you'll be fine , here's your Timmy's now get out there and have fun ????WTF
Hello McFly , ???? ok firstly the ethical breech of this whole process , we as medically educated individuals have an obligation to do no harm , that is sorta that Hypocrytical oath , yeah swearing at someone can be hypocrytical sometimes but whatever , tampering with peoples fundemantal personaes was outlawed in the 50's for a reason , not only is it now illlegal but even then it was immoral , for whatever the freaked up reason of subjecting lab rats to high doses of electrical current can be midly entertaining for the most juvenille of minds , it can not and must not be allowed to flow into the mainstream of psyco-analytical diagnosis / treatment ,
Even the dumb as sticks voluteer who was most likely paid a great deal of money to go on public television and sputter I am afwaid of spidders , hewge haiwy spiders and I would like my mind melted to mush to it won't scawe me anymore , pfffffttt , not to sound too judgemental at all but buddy being a sperm burping , turd stuffing poofter is more of a deviation then being afraid of spiders, and I am sure that you wouldn't want to melt your mind for that , so there you go , but then moments later after eharing the whole truth he decides that he doesn't want to loose the whole big scarely being locked in a closet with his cousin , ( for obvious reasons) memory , just the scary spider reaction ?? hmmmmm can you say learn the difference between voluntary response and involuntary response and deal with butt plug , step away from the big hairy scary electrodes and sasha out of there , grrrrrrrrrr
But there you have it the modern ethical dilema of scientific discovery and its application to ?? human?? subjects
Would I voluntarily go and have my mind wiped clean , ummm nope not for all the cash in the whole freakin world , sorry , good bad of indifferent this is who I am and I am good with that ....

Myths Legends Fable and Lore

So sitting here completely stunned , while I lay awake late last nite thinking wonderous thinks and marvelling even myself and the enlightened tone of those thoughts while secretly harbouring anger hurt and other self destructive thoughts.Amazed because yet again when ihave these little thinks I say to myself , self you need to wtire this down or you will forget , and then you will be mad at yourself because , again you didn't remember like you promised you would and there will be nothing left of this think and who will know.
So instead of rousing the whole house and sitting here hammering away at the wonderous think I was thinking , I shambled off in my half wakefullness content that unlike other times I would remeber and it would be good and I could share with my eager stalkers and they would be content as I was with the think. Heavy sigh
After a lousy nites rest and virtually no sleep I sit here bleary eyed , jazzed on another cuppa wondering if I will ever learn that I should listen to me and myself when I am telling them that it will be alright that I will remember and me and myself shake their collective heads and say nooo you won't , I looks around and wonders who you is and where did they come from and why it seems that everyone is ganging up on I , but we digress ...
Myths Legends and lore are said to contain a kernel of truth , that all stories evolve from a shred of truth and grows with the retelling into the stories of legends and Fables , so my thought was on that kernel of truth , as ellusive as a whisp of smoke , at times as brilliant as the lightening strike on a hot summers night, slipping threw the hands of collective retellers like the sands of time until it is lost and only the story grows and remains , truth forsaken for the dramatisaion of the story itself that has caught life and reaps the soul of each breath of life it is given in the retelling, building like a small hurricane til it consumes everything else.
Religions of the world built on misguided retelling of lore and story have been founded and survived for millenium , each covetting their own story as the truth and the only , and yet stripping away the austentatious and the arcquane there is a similarity in many the story starts out the same with morale issues to resolve and with the fundemantal principle being that good shall triumph , and so when queried do you believe , my response is in most instances yes I believe , do I believe in a followed religion or religous practice , no , but I do believe , I believe in humanity as a whole , I believe that there are higher powers that control our lives that somewhere sometime we honestly find these answers , but only when life as we know it is truely ended , when we shed the outer skin of our worldly bodies and move on to the next being stage or exisitance that we are meant to be
It is our ignorance that binds us to this world we exsist in and that we struggle with in the TPOH
But returning to the story , the telling of the story , or retelling , the lose of innocence the shunning of the courage to speak the truth and allow the truth to stand alone to be retold in its entirety.
Ever wonder why when we speak of these things we use words like naked , hard stark and other cold and barren descriptions , is the truth so difficult to face that even the telling of it leaves us in a fragile state stripped of our defenses and layed open to critisisms and harm that we are unable to face this ?? Is that why when retelling even the truth it is embellished for the sake of the audience to mold it to something more personal then it actuallly is ? Investigators will tell you that there are always three versions of truth , protagonist , antagonist and the middle ground garnered from a collection of both sides spoken , which inevitably leads to the closest thing to the "real"truth that is being sought.
When we all know that "reality"" is the percieved moment from the viewers point of interaction, that each point of view is as individual as there are people that populate the earth, that no two persons will experience the same moment in teh same fashion as each is tainted by personal experience that precludes them from the others thoughts and responses
And so with that how is it that some may judge others to be crazy or lack reality when it is meerly the lack of percieved reality that one is lacking and which is the truth ?? Who speaks the truth if both are correct in their own perception, the truth then becomes an agreement between the parties as acceptable version of events or occurances by retelling the facts as percieved by individuals and processed by the tainted experiences of past to be projected on the future or the story.
Then it dawned on me that my writting is like this at times , confused , not entirely interactive and somewhat fringe like in its percieved existance. I could try to contain these thoughts but in the past that has led to some serious consequences that remain today as bright and sore and a fresh scar carved deep into my worldly self and bared only to the most intimate of consorts
thoughts can be like a praire storm that I remember as a young child , being in teh open field the air charged with electricity so much so that the hair on my airs stood on end , the smell of fresh rain and charred air a subtle and delightful mix , but broiling just out of the most attuned sensory perception roiling with charged ions blown on the front of the wind that carried the storm
At times I stand on the shores of desolation raging against the hurricane force winds screaming teh silent screams against the wind and waves that threaten to sweep me into the ocean of unknown and yet I stand alone , legs apart fist raised in anger and rage on unmoved by the violence that threatens to sweep me away and my thoughts swirl around in this storm free to go where they want
Then there are the quiet moments of solitude when the clarity of thought is as bold and striking as the altered back lighting of sun on a noon day square in the center of a highly populated area, dirt and dust cowered in the unseen corners litter blown by like autumns leaves on a forest floor , but the peace and surity of the moment so calming that it makes me tremble
Writting can be like that for me , words sometimes leave me at a pace that even my hands can not keep pace and yet when it is complete leaves me a withered and empty husk , lightened by the release of the burden of carrying these words purged of the weight of the story , released to grow and be nutured by others in the retelling and to take life of itself and move on, like a child sweet and innocent growing and becoming something of its own an entity of itself
The kernel of truth released , why do we seek that which we can not control , the dreams that can not be realised and when they are met , not welcomed with open arms but discarded as beneath our contemplation because they were less then what we had come to expect them to be.
Success , as defined and sought individually as our own personal experience will allow, measured by commonly accepted versions of truth , and judged on these merits. To whom do these belong
Those collective anonymous them , they who we as meer mortals seek approval from , who we desperately attempt to please with our everyday attempts and who drive us to the pursuit of happiness , bombarded constantly by their perseptions of what we need to make us happy to make us whole and complete and a better person , why is it that we continue to look in the wrong direction for the truth , it lies within , nestled next to that other power we seldom use, inner strength , the determination we use to frequently in the misguided believe that we are making a difference in others as we move through their lives and gathering their rewards for it as our own to placate our needs to feel good and righteous and worthy ? The failure in this is what I believe is what has caused humanity to seek the diety of God like statures to unburden themselves with thier guilt and a place to move the balance of personal need to another to free themselves to continue unempeeded by day to day life activities until they have found the end of this journey and move to that other exisitance. Why else would there be so many similarities in these legends myths and fables modern or ancient lore , the threads of tale are the same simply rewoven to a cultural or societal relevance ?
And yet at the heart of all these lays a truth , yet unspoken , lost and forgotten , to capture this would be to hold the power of untold stories , of unimaginable depth and meaning because to speak the truth is to leave oneself open to the critism of others and to lay bare the soul of the founder in honesty and with integrity to stand against the masses and rail against the injustice of retelling , the key to this is finding that common thread of mutually exclusive but agreed on perception and reveal the naked truth in this light , but surely only a god or god like personage could manage such a miracle as to attempt the retelling of any story in truth , without prejugdice or malice and not for personal gain but the betterment of the telling ?
and so it remains , myths legends and lore , fables of past deeds done in the name of society

Making choices that should mean something

So now I have decided what or who I wanna be if I grow up, and there in lies the rub, the truth and hurt of it all. Once you decide then there is always the thoughts , hmm is this right , if it is right for me is it right for those around me and the ones that inevitably get dragged along with this. Fact is that some decisions are made for you , hence the denstiny thoughts. I can tell that I am following destiny because that impending gloom of deja vu is pretty much constant , so that must mean that I have made the correct decision , even if sometimes it feels wrong , doing the right thing is seldom the easiest thing. In my humble experience such that it is doing teh right thing is pretty much guarenteed to either hurt , hinder or cause a great deal of tension and anxiety . Heavy sigh , but it has to be done because its right , it should feel good and will no doubt feel good when its done but getting there is the journey , Nés pas ??
I feel like sometimes myself is trying to convince the rest of us that we need more meaning in our lives , that we should try to get along a little better with the rest of us and leave all those nasty misgivings to others less secure about who or what they are and or want to be. Well that would be good and I am sure that a little less arguing would certainly quiet the voices in my head , but honestly if they were quiet for awhile then I would wonder where everyone else went and want to be with them as well and then I would loose myself and me again , and that would be a terrible thing in light of the most recent decisions we have come to.
So in the interest of preserving I , we must continue to debate other more or less significant issues to keep the constant drone of voices at least to a level where they are heard :)
And so the journey begins , life and everything after because as everyone knows life goes on long after the thrill has gone :) thankyou John , btw what happened to your middle name , another story I am sure

Destiny and its child cognative choice

So it seems that once you have purged the history , decided how you got to where you are and rehashed the mistakes you made along the way.Vowing of course not to make those same mistakes again that with destinys aid you can make the same mistakes over an over again.Unlike teh definition of insanity which is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result , destiny will guide you to make the same hard choices repeatedly unless you chose correctly or until you chose correctly. It isn't so much about emotion except when you deny the preordained and make that wrong choice, but the question is if you stick with that and ignore the consequences is it the wrong choice or the lesson you need to learn that illusive that we simply choose to ignore it.
So is destiny about the cognitive choices we make or are the choices we make actually part of the ultimate destiny , are they more about the journey then the destination and when you achieve the happiness that we all so desperately pursue is that the final destination , it seems odd that married men are not so much preordained to die earlier , just more eager.
Why do I have to get married again I didn't do anything wrong , there is a reason that married is not a vow but a sentence , the shortest spoken sentence with teh greatest impact.
Bitter twisted , otherwise crazy perhaps clinically but then again what or who is it that should decide these things and if they do , do we really have to answer to that or only the face in the mirror in the morning.
Its amazing how small things can change the perspective of how we deal with life and the curves that it tosses our way. The prospect of a brighter tommorow , the thought that I can do this , cautious optomism , slowly we peer out into the brightness of the new day , feeling very much like a character in a Tragically Hip song , all squint eyed and confused , breath deep and move forward regardless of the consequences , but what if it was the last time , the last day , the only chance you had to do the things that you had really really wanted to do but didn't for whatever the reason was at the time , regret , is there any time for that in the end ?
Is it a bad thing to live like you were dieing , to pursue the things that are important to you and forsake the ones that you care about most , or is that just to greedy?
SO many questions burning so little time

History , Evolution and destiny

It seems to me since my recent purge of history and evolution that there is another aspect to the slow ond constant change that I hve witnessed most recently. That would be destiny and how it interacts with our everyday life. When something happens that is good , we say that is was meant to be because it feels right.But what if it doesn't feel right , what if it isn't something that we can either deal with or want to deal with , is that destiny too , is it too painful to admit that even the bad things that happened are preordained by some higher being that controls our actions or decisions.And if that is true then is it our daily decisions that alter the final destination called destiny?? Are we so in control of ours lives that we can consciously decide what our fate is to be and therefore our own destiny , are we truely masters of our destiny.
If we were to be able to somehow see through that mysterious vale that shrouds our congnitive consiouness then why wouldn't we want to control our destiny to have simply everything that we truely desire for good or evil and damn the consequences that follow with the pursuit of those ideals or desires. That precisely is the rub, the consequences we suffer as a result of our own unflagging pursuit of happiness. It is the interaction with other individual destinies and their pursuit that interupts the unlimited retention of our own goals.
It is the hurt the misgivings and the desire , as fundamental as they are not to consciously do evil , that is the primal self in all humans. So within these parameters do we subconciously limit our own desires to those that we feel entitled to , a good job a nice family surrounding , a fancy car when we reward ourselves , the tangible things that honest pursuit con obtain , what about the esoterric are they so easy to dismiss , is the constant abbrassion of desiceful ignorance worth the avoidance of painful destinations ??
What if you knew that the things that you desire most were not obtainable , would that alter your pursuit , are these paths that we tread so lightly every day so untenable that the simpliest decision can alter dramatically the final destination , more a kin to flight paths then paths of soil tread by thousands previously in earth ?? or the concrete unforgiving path of destruction built for an by man to the detriment of humanity ?? Is this our path and were exactly do the individual paths place on this unending road to nowhere?
My destiny , and the control there of is beyond my own comprehension there are moments of clairty that I feel that I am actually in control and make decisions to follow the path where ever it may lead , but there are other times when lost and unsure that I feel that ther ecould n ot possibly be a higher being in charge of this mysterious journey as it makes so little sense and could not possibly have a good ending to it , alas my less philosphical self says it all ends in death for all humans and it isn't about teh destination so much as the journey so why bother asking why and where when you know the answers to these questions already , perhaps it is my morbid fasination with not so much where am I going and where will I be when I get there but what is it going to be like when I go.
When I was little we used to travel around being of military decent means that we lived a nomadic existance for most of my youth and I actually looked forward to the moves , to meeting new people , seeing new places and discovering new things , fasinated not so much with where we were going as it really didn't matter where we were going just that we were going , is that fundemantally who I am not what I am , am I truely that lost nomad destined to shamble from place to place hungry for new and adventures untold , there are faces and people and places in my head that I have not met , nor seen in real life or experienced in reality but are as much a reality to me as my waking exisitance , this should or could unnerve a normal person but for someone who is questionably sane by definition this only further intreuges me , and only raises more questions of destiny and the pursuit of the happiness that would be implied by the thought that we are masters of our own destiny.
Multiple personality disorder aside , becuase that would imply that there is actually a convulsion of destinies threatening to collide and in that collision be lost to all with the exception of the reality of the remainder , perhaps that would be the solution , the resolution of the MPD , and singling out of the strongest a sort of darwinian decisivness that would result in a single being with a single purpose and single destination
It would certainly answer the who am I question , easy you are who ever is left after the collision , like it or not that is who you are simple , then how do I explain the visions of people I have not met or could not be with because of physical limitaitons and are these spectors , simply spectators of my own destiny or intrigal parts yet to be introduced , I suppose only time will tell

Truth and consequences

There is a time and a place for every truth , some are best to be left unsaid, after all an untold truth , missed for the purpose of refraining from hurting someones feelings is not necessarily a lie. Is there consequences to this , hidden truth, depends I suppose on your out look on life.If you believe that truth should be spoken regardless of hurt inflicted then unspoken truth could be more damaging then bold faced lies. The sense of betrayal invoked by the discovery of these unspoken truths can be more harmful then the hurt originally intended to conceal. I know this now , like so many of my past lessons in life it seems that I have stumbled across this infinite truth by accident not through careful deliberations but accidentally.As happens frequently with my world where fantasy collided most often head on with reality and I end up dealing with the out fall rather then being able to control such disasters I seem to lunge at them headlong without regard for personal lose or pain inflicted on those that are closet to me. Again I peek into the OCD closet and find this particular sociopathic tendency the gravest of all my traits , in that I am unable or unwilling to address this honestly even with myself and so I carry on with the self delusion that one day money will make all the difference in my world and that riches can somehow replace or sooth the hurt that I have caused or at the very least afford me the opportunity to drink these nightmares into submission. Funny thing about that it has been over 15 years since I last got drunk , and a promise to myself that I have managed to break repeatedly even without the aid of booze, so why is it that I so desperately want to toss all that to the wind and go and get monumentally blotto and make an absolute public spectacle of myself in the process , is it self shame that I crave is it punishment for yet another failure , do I honestly feel that is the sum total of my worth now that I am to be forever more a never was been a dreamer and an absolute failure?
Living with a lie even if it is to yourself only can lead to some very dark questions that even in the light of day seem to much to bare asking , are some truths that dark , that they should remain forever untold? Is it worth the pain and suffering to not be as truthful as we can be with ourselves and those that we hold closest to ourselves , our souls.
Love is a complicated emotion not fit for the male of the species , elusive and filled with pain and suffering that can only be born when exposed , discussed and dissected and rationalized , not something the male mind is prepared for or equipped to deal with and yet why is it that there are times when I feel that I can adequately speak of these things and not feel the shame of mediocrity?
The fear of inflicting pain on purpose is not a bad thing when considering the consequences of alternatives, silence can be golden if it is sat side by side against other alternatives , continuation is only relevant when options are not available when the will to has long since left
Pride is not diminished until resolve has been abandoned and fate is left to its own devices , I know better then to tempt fate and or to poke fun at it , but this is my fate , my beginning middle and end , suddenly the pages don't seem to be so blank anymore only written in a language I am unable or unwilling to decipher.

something a little different

Not really a technophobe , but dawmn I am begininng to seriously dislike some web sites that I would normally visit, so there I was on one of my "favorites" when inspiration hits , not that that is a real regular occurance for me just shy of a real opifany I might add , so I sit here hammer away for about an hour and well actually take the time to go back and reread what I had just created, heavy sigh. I was actually pretty impressed I had managed to not only caprture teh thought that ricocheted around my empty little head for daze but sorta somewhat managed to convey this to the potential readers, then the unthinkable happened I hit send and well it went , whizzing off into cyber nothingness , just like that , ( my poor french accent ) poof there it was gone just like that , nada , zip zilch , bupkis doodly squat allllll gone , rrrrrrrrrrr
An hour plus of my time energy and miniscule talent disappeared in the blink of an eye , so here I sit now hoping that the same results will not happen that when I push send it will in fact actually arrive at its intended destination and with a little bit of luck , may the PC gods shine on me today , ( all hail IBM .COM may there tribe ever increase ), performs many sacrificial offerings to the puter gods when I hit send this time hope it goes where I want it to go and not off to the vast void of medicraty and obscurity known as Space the newest frontier , not the final one either thankyou Captain James T of the Starchair enterpoop , but the cyber abyss known as sent :(

History and evolutions

When I last left off I was a little dazed and confused as to where I was going with that thought. Not really a big surprise as I tend to free flow thought while writing and go back and read what it was I wrote to pick up on the thought. This format is different as it isn't so much as free flowing thought but random offerings of thoughts as they are processed.
So here I am trying to decide when it was that I evolved into who I am now , not so much what I am as that will change with every new job I do , no longer am I seeking careers it is far too late in the game for that I am looking for work again , however short term that may be I am not looking for career so the what I am is not really a question that needs to be answered and can easily be summed up in the description of my most recent employment.
Who I am is entirely different from that person in that who I am is what I hold inside and for those who know me there are two or more distinct persona, that I have , what I am at work , to fellow employee's , who I am at home to my children and my spouse ,( that may or may not match their idea of who I am as opposed to who I think I am to them , not just from their point of view but how they process their own reality ) and then there is the person who I thought I was or that I want to be , and there is the rub. Is the person I want to be the person others see in me? Am I who I think I am ? Socrates once said I think therefore I am , but he also said No man is an island unto themselves, so philosophically speaking am I the person that others perceive me to be, most likely not as that person it the one that I hope they view and therefore make a conscious choice , most times to be a certain way , speak in a certain manner and to react to situations in an expected way. This may not always coincide with the me who I know and the voice that I recognise when we sit down and have a little convo with ourselves, me say I think , I corrects me's syntax and myself usually sits back until the fight has been fought to add a voice of reason , multiple personalities are so much fun.
so I say to myself , self and we recognise the voice because we do this alot , are we really who we think we are or are we some other group of individuals ?? Is OTC really a bad thing when most of the outbursts are for the better ?? Does OTC explain the sociopathic tendencies, well at times yes it does, following this thought process, OTC explains the compulsion to be a center of attention , and the sociopathic tendencies are explained by the lack of recognition of social boundaries, but if it is a harmless setting or meant in a humorous manner is that such a bad thing , not sure , are these defining moments that should be considered when answering the question of who are we ???
Is our evolution to where we are now really such a large part of who we really are and if that is true why then is it so difficult to rationalize who we have become, is it that difficult or complex to consider life choices and the progression of these and how much of who we have become part of the choices we make when considering life partners ?? I suppose it matters to how much of your own personal needs are being met as opposed to the needs of others being met by you as a trade off , but does that in itself contribute to the who we are??

History more parts then one

So the other day I was rambling about being paralized by fear, which is weird if you think that courage is not the absense of fear but the ability to take action while in the presense of fear , so how is it that someone who is trained as a combat soldier be paralized by fear , good question , when there is an extreme lack of clear and present danger to my physical being i find it difficult to muster the courage to face down my worst fears, a fear of success , a fear of the unknown , a fear of failure , people don't plan to fail they simply fail to plan , which makes sense if I plan for a certain event and things go according to plan there should be nothing to fear , but life like battle can be a fluid situation , one has to adapt and overcome unforseen obsticles , unfortunately , beating on my chest teeth bared grunting like a savage and masculinly guestulating only evotes gales of laughter from the feminine horde I co habitate with , as a matter of fact the other day I did just a thing standing in my kitchen the older of the youthful co-habitants strolled over layed her tiny little hand on my fore arms and with big blue eyes told me" ït's ok Daddy", heavy sigh so much for masculine performances , so it seems to be the story of my life whenever I try to express myself in a masculine way there is always a woman of sorts there to let me know how ridiculous this is and that I should simply accept the situation the way it is and move on , but what if I want to rage against the storm , to rebel against the injustice of life at times to feel like I am a meaningful part of society and contributing in a way that could possible mean something to others then those I share an abode with ???

History and evolution

Hmmm so watched Braveheart again for the millionth time , well maybe not that many times but alot enough to really get a sense of what was happening during that time of history and not just teh theatrics of the movie and the compelling acting and action of the movie. Other then that I have been thinking alot lately never a good thing I suppose, but this helps so again moving back to front let me just say this about that.
I am not sure exactly when it started the evolution , people on a whole constantly evolve , its the whole live and learn thing I think. We make mistakes , step back and say wow , I won't do that again , for the most part , and yet you say ok so how did you end up divorced 3 times , heavy sigh more about that later. The slow and penetrating changes that take place during life are not always pivotal or even note worthy until you look back and say wow thats where I really turned a corner, or not , I wish that there were more times like that in my life but for the most part it has been a slow denegration to what I am currently , that is not to say that the rest of my life is yet un written , Thankyou Natasha Bettingfield , but for now I am what I am because of what I have experienced. It is envrioment not genetics that makes us what or who we are now , for the most part there are some parts that are undeniably genetic but for the most part I feel that those parts are mostly cosmetic , for the most part.
So what is it that I have become , who is it that I have become , not really sure for the most part I try to do the right thing , I think that is essential to the reconstruction of me , looking at the pillars of who I am and what I want to be , honest , couragous , intelligent, and devout , not in a religious sense but in the sense that once decided I give 100 percent of myself to that thing. these are characteristics I would like to embrace and move forward with , the rest I can loose or forget , but these are the things I want to move forward with
I find myself at a cross roads in life again , recent employment changes have caused me to really step back and re-assess how i go abou tthe who life thing and where I am going in the future , so with that in mind I have found myself revisiting the old self and finding the flaws that I feel are no longer effective or relavent , and makes the changes necessary to move forward , with a little help from my friends
Honestly i don't think that the whole history be exposed to the light of day but the evolution or parts are important, certainly the failure of several marriages, more then once being too many for me to think about rationally , but certainly three was a bit excessive , slow learner I suppose, am I a bad person was I a bad person did these things happen because they were destined to be that way or was I a part of this process , why is it I find myself paralized by my own fear, a strange thing you would say for a combat soldier to say , but it just goes to show that fear takes many faces and will show you your own when you least expect it , thougths for the day then
where do we go from here , what to start with and what then

First draft

Good that there is a spell checker on this , but no grammer checker. So this would be the first of what i hope to be many blogs. The little bit about me only gives you a small sense of who I am and in all honesty , I am hoping to find that self again. This may seem strange to many , but it seems that I have managed to loose myself recently and not being all that good at looking for things , selfs included , have decided to share some thoughts with others in a small hope that i will find my lost self or at teh very least redesign organise or discover a new self.
This process may also strike some as strange but there is a reason for this , insanity is only a small part , you see long long ago in a land far far away , ok not so far and not so long ago , I was sure of who i was what I wanted and how I was going to get it , then things changed , I evolved into a person I was extrememly unhappy as , unable to see my way out of the corner i had esoterically painted myself into i relied on someone else to perform the judgement and render my old self defunct.Not that that was a bad thing but for myselves sake it seemed like the thing to do at the time , well that sort of became habit forming so now I find myself at that cross road again. Of course listening to songs like the one playing right now doesn't help much , thankyou AMANDA MARSHAL , driving myself to distraction til you got in my way and not sure of how I am living , all I know is that I wouldn't want to be me with out you ??
Interesting concept , makes for an awesome song but practically speaking it couldn't make things worse, heavy sigh some daze Iwish that I hadn't read all those ology books , ???? All that aside it begs that age old question if someone with multiple personality disorder threatens suicide , is it considered a hostage situation ??? How does that work do all the rest of the personalities gather and decide who dies first ??? Is it really a mass suicide ?? or mass murder ? would I have to shoot myself more then once ? guess it depends on how many personalities I have , oh I'm sorry the voices in my head are keeping you awake , well then my gentle friends I will end this ramble with those questions posed and allow you some freedom