Truth and consequences

There is a time and a place for every truth , some are best to be left unsaid, after all an untold truth , missed for the purpose of refraining from hurting someones feelings is not necessarily a lie. Is there consequences to this , hidden truth, depends I suppose on your out look on life.If you believe that truth should be spoken regardless of hurt inflicted then unspoken truth could be more damaging then bold faced lies. The sense of betrayal invoked by the discovery of these unspoken truths can be more harmful then the hurt originally intended to conceal. I know this now , like so many of my past lessons in life it seems that I have stumbled across this infinite truth by accident not through careful deliberations but accidentally.As happens frequently with my world where fantasy collided most often head on with reality and I end up dealing with the out fall rather then being able to control such disasters I seem to lunge at them headlong without regard for personal lose or pain inflicted on those that are closet to me. Again I peek into the OCD closet and find this particular sociopathic tendency the gravest of all my traits , in that I am unable or unwilling to address this honestly even with myself and so I carry on with the self delusion that one day money will make all the difference in my world and that riches can somehow replace or sooth the hurt that I have caused or at the very least afford me the opportunity to drink these nightmares into submission. Funny thing about that it has been over 15 years since I last got drunk , and a promise to myself that I have managed to break repeatedly even without the aid of booze, so why is it that I so desperately want to toss all that to the wind and go and get monumentally blotto and make an absolute public spectacle of myself in the process , is it self shame that I crave is it punishment for yet another failure , do I honestly feel that is the sum total of my worth now that I am to be forever more a never was been a dreamer and an absolute failure?
Living with a lie even if it is to yourself only can lead to some very dark questions that even in the light of day seem to much to bare asking , are some truths that dark , that they should remain forever untold? Is it worth the pain and suffering to not be as truthful as we can be with ourselves and those that we hold closest to ourselves , our souls.
Love is a complicated emotion not fit for the male of the species , elusive and filled with pain and suffering that can only be born when exposed , discussed and dissected and rationalized , not something the male mind is prepared for or equipped to deal with and yet why is it that there are times when I feel that I can adequately speak of these things and not feel the shame of mediocrity?
The fear of inflicting pain on purpose is not a bad thing when considering the consequences of alternatives, silence can be golden if it is sat side by side against other alternatives , continuation is only relevant when options are not available when the will to has long since left
Pride is not diminished until resolve has been abandoned and fate is left to its own devices , I know better then to tempt fate and or to poke fun at it , but this is my fate , my beginning middle and end , suddenly the pages don't seem to be so blank anymore only written in a language I am unable or unwilling to decipher.

something a little different

Not really a technophobe , but dawmn I am begininng to seriously dislike some web sites that I would normally visit, so there I was on one of my "favorites" when inspiration hits , not that that is a real regular occurance for me just shy of a real opifany I might add , so I sit here hammer away for about an hour and well actually take the time to go back and reread what I had just created, heavy sigh. I was actually pretty impressed I had managed to not only caprture teh thought that ricocheted around my empty little head for daze but sorta somewhat managed to convey this to the potential readers, then the unthinkable happened I hit send and well it went , whizzing off into cyber nothingness , just like that , ( my poor french accent ) poof there it was gone just like that , nada , zip zilch , bupkis doodly squat allllll gone , rrrrrrrrrrr
An hour plus of my time energy and miniscule talent disappeared in the blink of an eye , so here I sit now hoping that the same results will not happen that when I push send it will in fact actually arrive at its intended destination and with a little bit of luck , may the PC gods shine on me today , ( all hail IBM .COM may there tribe ever increase ), performs many sacrificial offerings to the puter gods when I hit send this time hope it goes where I want it to go and not off to the vast void of medicraty and obscurity known as Space the newest frontier , not the final one either thankyou Captain James T of the Starchair enterpoop , but the cyber abyss known as sent :(

History and evolutions

When I last left off I was a little dazed and confused as to where I was going with that thought. Not really a big surprise as I tend to free flow thought while writing and go back and read what it was I wrote to pick up on the thought. This format is different as it isn't so much as free flowing thought but random offerings of thoughts as they are processed.
So here I am trying to decide when it was that I evolved into who I am now , not so much what I am as that will change with every new job I do , no longer am I seeking careers it is far too late in the game for that I am looking for work again , however short term that may be I am not looking for career so the what I am is not really a question that needs to be answered and can easily be summed up in the description of my most recent employment.
Who I am is entirely different from that person in that who I am is what I hold inside and for those who know me there are two or more distinct persona, that I have , what I am at work , to fellow employee's , who I am at home to my children and my spouse ,( that may or may not match their idea of who I am as opposed to who I think I am to them , not just from their point of view but how they process their own reality ) and then there is the person who I thought I was or that I want to be , and there is the rub. Is the person I want to be the person others see in me? Am I who I think I am ? Socrates once said I think therefore I am , but he also said No man is an island unto themselves, so philosophically speaking am I the person that others perceive me to be, most likely not as that person it the one that I hope they view and therefore make a conscious choice , most times to be a certain way , speak in a certain manner and to react to situations in an expected way. This may not always coincide with the me who I know and the voice that I recognise when we sit down and have a little convo with ourselves, me say I think , I corrects me's syntax and myself usually sits back until the fight has been fought to add a voice of reason , multiple personalities are so much fun.
so I say to myself , self and we recognise the voice because we do this alot , are we really who we think we are or are we some other group of individuals ?? Is OTC really a bad thing when most of the outbursts are for the better ?? Does OTC explain the sociopathic tendencies, well at times yes it does, following this thought process, OTC explains the compulsion to be a center of attention , and the sociopathic tendencies are explained by the lack of recognition of social boundaries, but if it is a harmless setting or meant in a humorous manner is that such a bad thing , not sure , are these defining moments that should be considered when answering the question of who are we ???
Is our evolution to where we are now really such a large part of who we really are and if that is true why then is it so difficult to rationalize who we have become, is it that difficult or complex to consider life choices and the progression of these and how much of who we have become part of the choices we make when considering life partners ?? I suppose it matters to how much of your own personal needs are being met as opposed to the needs of others being met by you as a trade off , but does that in itself contribute to the who we are??

History more parts then one

So the other day I was rambling about being paralized by fear, which is weird if you think that courage is not the absense of fear but the ability to take action while in the presense of fear , so how is it that someone who is trained as a combat soldier be paralized by fear , good question , when there is an extreme lack of clear and present danger to my physical being i find it difficult to muster the courage to face down my worst fears, a fear of success , a fear of the unknown , a fear of failure , people don't plan to fail they simply fail to plan , which makes sense if I plan for a certain event and things go according to plan there should be nothing to fear , but life like battle can be a fluid situation , one has to adapt and overcome unforseen obsticles , unfortunately , beating on my chest teeth bared grunting like a savage and masculinly guestulating only evotes gales of laughter from the feminine horde I co habitate with , as a matter of fact the other day I did just a thing standing in my kitchen the older of the youthful co-habitants strolled over layed her tiny little hand on my fore arms and with big blue eyes told me" ït's ok Daddy", heavy sigh so much for masculine performances , so it seems to be the story of my life whenever I try to express myself in a masculine way there is always a woman of sorts there to let me know how ridiculous this is and that I should simply accept the situation the way it is and move on , but what if I want to rage against the storm , to rebel against the injustice of life at times to feel like I am a meaningful part of society and contributing in a way that could possible mean something to others then those I share an abode with ???

History and evolution

Hmmm so watched Braveheart again for the millionth time , well maybe not that many times but alot enough to really get a sense of what was happening during that time of history and not just teh theatrics of the movie and the compelling acting and action of the movie. Other then that I have been thinking alot lately never a good thing I suppose, but this helps so again moving back to front let me just say this about that.
I am not sure exactly when it started the evolution , people on a whole constantly evolve , its the whole live and learn thing I think. We make mistakes , step back and say wow , I won't do that again , for the most part , and yet you say ok so how did you end up divorced 3 times , heavy sigh more about that later. The slow and penetrating changes that take place during life are not always pivotal or even note worthy until you look back and say wow thats where I really turned a corner, or not , I wish that there were more times like that in my life but for the most part it has been a slow denegration to what I am currently , that is not to say that the rest of my life is yet un written , Thankyou Natasha Bettingfield , but for now I am what I am because of what I have experienced. It is envrioment not genetics that makes us what or who we are now , for the most part there are some parts that are undeniably genetic but for the most part I feel that those parts are mostly cosmetic , for the most part.
So what is it that I have become , who is it that I have become , not really sure for the most part I try to do the right thing , I think that is essential to the reconstruction of me , looking at the pillars of who I am and what I want to be , honest , couragous , intelligent, and devout , not in a religious sense but in the sense that once decided I give 100 percent of myself to that thing. these are characteristics I would like to embrace and move forward with , the rest I can loose or forget , but these are the things I want to move forward with
I find myself at a cross roads in life again , recent employment changes have caused me to really step back and re-assess how i go abou tthe who life thing and where I am going in the future , so with that in mind I have found myself revisiting the old self and finding the flaws that I feel are no longer effective or relavent , and makes the changes necessary to move forward , with a little help from my friends
Honestly i don't think that the whole history be exposed to the light of day but the evolution or parts are important, certainly the failure of several marriages, more then once being too many for me to think about rationally , but certainly three was a bit excessive , slow learner I suppose, am I a bad person was I a bad person did these things happen because they were destined to be that way or was I a part of this process , why is it I find myself paralized by my own fear, a strange thing you would say for a combat soldier to say , but it just goes to show that fear takes many faces and will show you your own when you least expect it , thougths for the day then
where do we go from here , what to start with and what then

First draft

Good that there is a spell checker on this , but no grammer checker. So this would be the first of what i hope to be many blogs. The little bit about me only gives you a small sense of who I am and in all honesty , I am hoping to find that self again. This may seem strange to many , but it seems that I have managed to loose myself recently and not being all that good at looking for things , selfs included , have decided to share some thoughts with others in a small hope that i will find my lost self or at teh very least redesign organise or discover a new self.
This process may also strike some as strange but there is a reason for this , insanity is only a small part , you see long long ago in a land far far away , ok not so far and not so long ago , I was sure of who i was what I wanted and how I was going to get it , then things changed , I evolved into a person I was extrememly unhappy as , unable to see my way out of the corner i had esoterically painted myself into i relied on someone else to perform the judgement and render my old self defunct.Not that that was a bad thing but for myselves sake it seemed like the thing to do at the time , well that sort of became habit forming so now I find myself at that cross road again. Of course listening to songs like the one playing right now doesn't help much , thankyou AMANDA MARSHAL , driving myself to distraction til you got in my way and not sure of how I am living , all I know is that I wouldn't want to be me with out you ??
Interesting concept , makes for an awesome song but practically speaking it couldn't make things worse, heavy sigh some daze Iwish that I hadn't read all those ology books , ???? All that aside it begs that age old question if someone with multiple personality disorder threatens suicide , is it considered a hostage situation ??? How does that work do all the rest of the personalities gather and decide who dies first ??? Is it really a mass suicide ?? or mass murder ? would I have to shoot myself more then once ? guess it depends on how many personalities I have , oh I'm sorry the voices in my head are keeping you awake , well then my gentle friends I will end this ramble with those questions posed and allow you some freedom